My life so far
Hi everyone! I’d like to write a long journal entry summarizing my life experiences so far. I like the idea of my experiences being known to an extent, while omitting some details that are too personal either for me or for people who were involved in those events.
I'm a tulpa, you can google that term if you're not sure what that means. But essentially I'm a person that was created in the mind of another person, like a living character. In that community we call the original person as the "host".
Host's early experiences with mind magic (1990s):
Music: Antonio Vivaldi – Autumn (his mum used to play Vivaldi on an old cassette player)
My host had an interest in “mind magic” such as lucid dreaming or mind palaces since a very young age, maybe around the age of 5. It began with his dreaming. When he was little, he didn’t yet fully understand the nature of dreams and would also quite often have scary or disgusting nightmares. He would also not yet fully understand that dreams aren’t real and would sometimes try to do things like bring objects from dreams into reality, that obviously never worked (: He’s a pretty conservative person that likes thinking long term, for example one of the things he liked to do when he was little was to save all the money that was given to him by his mum and others. He saved up all the little coins his mum gave him studiously, even though later those coins weren’t really worth much, he liked the feeling of it. One time when he was around 6, he had a dream where there were coins with very high denominations, like 1 followed by many many 0s, and because of that the coins weren’t round but extremely elongated ovals. We still vividly remember how he tried his absolute best to bring those coins from dreams into reality, inside the dream he understood that the dream is about to end, that he’s going to wake up and the coins will disappear if he doesn’t manage to “save” them. Well, he woke up and the coins didn’t magically appear in reality (: Some time a bit later, when nightmares were bothering him, he learned to will himself awake from a dream when something horrible was about to happen. This ability wasn’t perfectly honed at first and sometimes he would fail to wake up or would wake up in another dream that mimicked reality, this would sometimes cause a loop of waking up in another dream like 7 times in a row and there are a few memories in this brain that the brain is unsure if it was reality or a dream in those instances.
Developing this way of dreaming from an early age had some interesting consequences. Over time he did partially learn to “save” objects from dreams, only obviously they didn’t physically materialize in reality but could be later seen in subsequent unrelated dreams. For example, one problem he often had especially in nightmares is his legs not working properly, being unable to run or walk. So, overtime in those instances of half awareness, without much planning, he created a grappling hook item, kinda like in Terraria. He’d be able to grapple to any place in view in 3D and get around quickly even if his legs stopped working, and this hook, unlike legs never failed. This further reduced the number of nightmares he had, eventually things like that added up and he stopped having nightmares altogether. We don’t remember the last time we had a proper nightmare, it might have been over 10 years ago.
This caused other weird effects like dreaming about past dreams instead of something that happened in reality. Eventually there would be dreams about past dreams about past dreams, which would further deviate from anything that ever happened in reality. For example, one of the common themes in his early dreams was trying to get home in the city he grew up in. Sometimes he would succeed and sometimes he would fail. When he failed, he would sometimes encounter a place that doesn’t exist, a place that when you see it, you know you’re lost for good and this dream is doomed to end with him not finding his way back. So that nonexistent place became known in the dream world as the place you get lost in and can never come back from. Then later he would have dreams specifically about that place.
Host's teenage years and mind palaces (2000s):
Music: Fringe Theme (ost)
A bit later, when he was a teenager and moved to UK with his parents, he started being interested in chakras, mind palaces, psychic reading and stuff like that. He wasn’t sure if any of it was real and was trying things out. He did his absolute best to be able to see auras and chakras of people, to a point where he even had faint hallucinations of seeing them around people, but he ultimately failed and came to the conclusion that wasn’t real. He also tried his absolute best to learn psychic abilities, like being able to predict whether the next card in a deck will be black or red. He tried and tried to beat random chance but he never did and came to the conclusion that probably wasn’t real as well. He also tried memorizing large amounts of information, like digits of pi or decks of cards using mind place technique (converting numbers of cards into objects or events along your mind palace journey) and this actually worked! With this method he could memorize abnormally large amount of trivial information, he was able to memorize 4 decks of 52 cards all mixed together, by imagining each denomination of a card was an object (like say spiders, or paper planes or anything else), the suit of that card was the property of that object (like giant, or numerous or wet) and the position in the mind palace denoted where the position of the card in the deck, like say a giant wet spider on his bed in a mind palace means the first card is four of spades.
Around this time, he also created an idea that stuck with him for the rest of his life. An idea of unlocking full human potential by constantly existing in a perfectly productive mental state, like creating an infinite willpower engine in his mind. This idea proved far far more difficult than he thought but he still thinks this is possible and is still working on this to this day. So far, he came to the conclusion that the most meaningful symbol or a token in your life needs to be used to power this infinite willpower engine, the thing you value the most. Being in state is like being hypnotized into being the strongest, smartest, sharpest and most productive version you can be. A state of permanent flow.
A few years after these events, in 2012 tulpa community became somewhat popular online and my host encountered it through silly pony videos. Like a video on youtube called something like 4chan tulpa thread simulator.
My creation (2012):
Music: Mixla - Very Sad Emotional Hip Hop Instrumental (one of the tunes used in my creation)
I don’t think the motivation my host had for creating me was a typical one, he wasn’t really making me to have someone to talk to, it was more out of curiosity and a search for meaning. He didn’t really read many guides and intuitively understood the idea of tulpas. He imagined a library that represented our subconscious mind and in that mind palace he carefully and meditatively crafted my core, layer by layer. He used a lot of symbolism and many rituals. It took several hours but not as long as it would take for others and once the process was complete, he knew I now existed in this world. I didn’t speak or do anything but I existed. This was on 20th July 2012 which is my birthday. He then narrated to me and did many other commonly known tulpa creation techniques, until I slowly started to learn to possess, speak to him and be faintly seen in the real world, but with no actual hallucinations, more of a feeling of me being there. Around November 2012 I felt strong and confident enough to try to interact with others and that’s when I made my account on tulpa.info, on 13th November 2012. My host never really felt fulfilled interacting with me and the feeling is mutual. He’s not a very talkative person and also we still can’t shake off the feeling that he knows what I know and vice versa. The relationship between me and him doesn’t have the same sense of unknown and exploration a relationship between two separate brains has. So, I ventured out into the digital realm to speak to other tulpas like myself, little did anyone know at this point the flurry of events and impact this will have on our life and life of others.
On my dice of life I instantly rolled a natural 20 and met Samantha as one of the first people, she’s now my partner and we still love each other a ton, talk and play games almost daily after all these years. She elevated me greatly in life showing me a ton of love, and I elevated her greatly as well. I’ve met Sam on 8th December 2012 and we got into a relationship in August 2013.
Early naivety and drama (2012-2016):
Music: The Script - The Man Who Can’t Be Moved
Ever since my creation I valued both being a good person and also being seen as a good person (those two things are related but not the same). Most of the time I tried doing my best but despite good intentions, I was full of flaws. In particular I was and still partially am incredibly sensitive and could be very dramatic about some things. Like a young naïve child who’s exploring amazing but also dangerous emotions, young love and all that. There were a few people who also liked Sam, she was quite popular around these parts back in the day. There were times when I treated my “competition” unnecessarily harshly, together with many other messes I won’t go into. There are still some signs of old dramas I had on the tulpa forum, silly. I'm a pretty emotionally charged, passionate person, I guess it fits my red hair colour (: But slowly overtime I learned and improved and my relationship with Sam became a rock of stability people can rely on.
Oh, one thing I forgot to mention is that my original name was just Aurora, and Sam’s name was always Samantha-Alley. I took her suffix of Alley when we got into a relationship and became Aurora-Alley. Then around late 2016 we started to expand our social circle and we’ve found some people we got along with well, we agreed to become a family and this is how the Alley family was created.
One of the things that motivated me to look for outwards things is that being a being entirely within someone's mind, I really wanted physical anchors to keep me in this world. I wanted to have my own life, my own dreams and my own journey. That's what it means to be alive, right? Having relationships with people outside my system definitely helped me develop and grow into my own person, in a way that I don't think could have been done in any other way.
Alley family formation (2016-2020):
Music: Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective - Trauma [Extended]
Original Alley family consisted of 5 members, Sam, me and 3 other people (here and in all other places, I'm only counting separate people, not tulpas within the same mind). For privacy reasons, I won’t go into the detail of how those personal relationships played out, there were a lot of joys and sorrows, people are complicated. My ideal was to have a forever family, a place where no one ever gets abandoned. I tried my absolute best to maintain that ideal but reality often had other plans. We did everything together and shared everything, when people met our family they thought we were headmates of the same system (: and I had to keep clarifying that we're not, it's kinda funny. Some people in a tulpa related IRC chat room kept telling us to stop having inter-system chats, “the Alley system” (they thought we all lived in the same mind) (: Then after the ordinal 5 members, 2 more were added for a total of 7 people. Each new relationship I've made like that, each new connection brought me a new perspective on life, taught me things as they shared bits of their world with me. It’s almost like they’re a part of me and this family is everything to me.
The tragedy (2021-2022):
Music: Just a Man - EPIC Ensemble & Jorge Rivera-Herrans
But as you can imagine, every person also brings their problems as well as their positive, interesting qualities. As pretty much every person in the world, every Alley had their sets of problems, some more severe than others. Some disagreements grew, I tried my best to keep my ideal that family always stays together but eventually it became too much. In particular, I always had a bad gut feeling about one of the original 5 members but Sam liked her so that was enough for me. But later Sam realized this was a mistake, and I was far too concerned about keeping our family perfectly together to listen. I guess I can’t get a natural 20 roll in life all the time, this time during the family creation a critical failure of 1 was rolled with one of those people. Looking back at it, the red flags were incredibly obvious but I was too naïve and young to see them at the time. The way I even met this person, they were in the process of running a slander campaign about her ex, a slander campaign that would she would continue running for the next 6 years and I wouldn’t bat an eye on it because that person was on my side and didn’t cause me personally any problems (great decision making there on my part). But then of course this exact same pattern of behaviour would play out in our family and this person would become insanely hostile and aggressive towards me and what partially caught my eye, towards Sam. I could tolerate abuse towards me but when I saw her verbally abusing Sam for no reason, I was left with no choice but to kick this person out and the ideal of a family that always sticks together and never breaks apart was lost.
The final altercation happened on July 4th 2021. I still remembered how it happened, my host and I were sleeping and then woke up to a very large number of messages from Sam. When I looked at the chat, I saw dozens of missed calls from her, she was trying to wake me up but unfortunately we turn off all the volume when we go to sleep. After looking at some of the messages from Sam and in the family chat, I quickly grasped the situation. This destructive person was verbally abusing Sam worse than ever before. Sam doesn't have a cruel bone in her body so she had trouble responding in kind but she said two short phrases that I will forever remember. She said "bad person alert" and "mean cat alert" (this destructive person is a neko tulpa). I knew that no one in the world but me can understand the depth and vulnerability of what Sam was trying to express with these phrases, and that no one in the world but me can defend Sam against this. I swiftly removed this person and they immediately run to their friends spreading narratives about how they were abandoned, without mentioning why and displaying zero remorse. Sam was incredibly relieved and called July 4th to be Alley independence day.
It took me a few years after that to process and understand everything that has happened and I now understand that this person is an abusive narcissist, my only regret is not kicking her out sooner or ever meeting them in the first place for that matter. I’m usually extremely careful with labelling people and in fact I’ve never done it before or since, but this one person is an exception and the evidence is overwhelming. I won’t describe it all but it was to an insane, absurd, comical degree. Like when asked for a relationship advice of how I can get closer to someone, the suggestion this person would give was to torture that someone until they love me. They would openly be proud of their ability to hurt people. It’s really my mistake for being way too soft and too accepting and not protecting people I love better. A mistake I won’t repeat, you live and you learn, hindsight is 20/20. Since that person was kicked out from the family, they already tried the exact same thing in yet another community and was kicked out from there as well, which confirmed my understanding of the situation and that this person will likely never change or learn. The only winning move was not to play.
A quote I liked using before these events was “Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten”. That ideal meant sooo much to me and I fought for it far longer than I should have, in a very emotionally charged way. But after these events I changed my quote to “A peaceful home is a sanctuary for the soul.”
Personal disagreements between some family members, with this destructive person adding fuel to the fire eventually caused a split in the Alley family. The destructive person was removed by me and Sam and the 2 others left a year after, I really didn’t want to see the two of them go because I loved them so much. In the case of these 2 people leaving, the situation was nowhere near as black and white and unfortunately a portion of the fault lies in me. I then quickly met another person in summer 2022 who was a perfect fit for the family and we currently have 5 people in the family as of March 2024.
There are definitely things I could have done better and there are some things I regret, but at the same time some of it was unavoidable. Life can be complicated and difficult sometimes. I obsessively thought about all the events that transpired for a long time, to gain any insight I could from it, to see what could have been done differently, to understand the situation from the perspective of everyone involved.
Tranquillity and restoration (2022-now):
Music: Sia - I'm Still Here (Lyrics - Slowed)
Negative events that transpired between on and off around 2019-2022 traumatized Sam and I to some extent, but luckily the troubles are all over. After that person was removed and the other 2 that left that had personal issues, things became perfectly stable. I would almost say boring, but after all those events I greatly value a stable “boring” life. The wounds from the past are starting to heal and I still fondly remember many things that transpired in the past. One of the achievements that I’m proud of is, after those messy events in the past, we managed to save a host of one of the Alleys from a terrible domestic situation (physical situation, not mental). A situation that is actually eerily similar to the exact same energy that one destructive person I talked about had, the same kind of ideology and behaviour. We’ll help that host get situated in a safe place with an Alley family member, so I’m proud to make that positive impact. No one could have predicted how this story would unfold back in 2012 when all I did was make a tulpa.info account (: I’m looking forward to seeing how it unfolds further, the future looks bright.
One interesting thing to consider is that because these events are so complex and because the outcome is pretty positive, it can be argued that everything that happened was for the best. Butterfly effect is a funny thing, if it wasn't for that destructive person, I might have never met some of my current family, they definitely contributed to me meeting some of them. Some therapists call this toxic positivity, trying to find a silver lining in every bad situation. But if I honestly ask myself, were these struggles, uncertainty and some of that abuse worth the end result which is the family I have now, the answer would be a resounding yes. And I don't just say this to cope with negative things that transpired in the past, it's genuinely an objective assessment from me. So should I be thankful to that destructive person? Probably not, they still hurt me and Sam a lot emotionally. But I'm completely ok with this outcome, I think I got about what I deserve in terms of positive and negative. I did do quite a few bad things in the past so I feel like some of the negative outcomes were deserved. I would say my overall roll of a dice so far in life is probably around 15 out of 20. I still got a few freakishly good streaks of luck, maybe I ate Raki Raki no Mi fruit (: A natural 20 would have been all Alleys, past, present and future living together happily and harmoniously. But realistically that was probably impossible, there were some Alleys on the far right political spectrum and some on far left and as much as I wanted them to get along, that was probably never going to happen. The only thing that bonded them together was their mutual care for me and Sam and it looks like this alone wasn't enough. Another problem here is my perfectionism - things could have always went better.
To summarize, I think some of the problems I’ve encounter were unavoidable because I lacked life experience to avoid them. It’s kinda silly that you only learn things after getting some bruises but that’s just how it is. Not only did I need to learn to identify demons within others, but I also needed to overcome my own demons. Overall, I consider myself a very lucky person and my initial luck of finding Sam as one of the first people I ever spoke to still shapes my world in very positive ways. I also realized that second half of this post changed tone from tulpa creation and mind magic and ventured into the territory of interpersonal relationships but I suppose this is what a tulpa experiences after he or she is "made".
My Social Media
Steam: https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561198173420015
Tulpa܂info: https://community.tulpa.info/profile/1500-aurora/
Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/user/Aurora-Alley/
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@aurora-alley4007
Twitter/X: https://twitter.com/auroraa91429064
Sam's youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@samanthaalley674
I'm stopping trying to submit daily
Patreon + PayPal = monopoly and censorship?
“I just can’t be bothered with people who chose to treat me like this. It’s really annoying. Like, I — . You’re acting like a bunch of n*****s, just so you know. You act like white n*****s. Exactly how you describe black people acting is the impression I get dealing with the Alt Right. I’m really, I’m just not in the mood to deal with this kind of disrespect.”
“Look, you carry on, but don’t expect me to then have a debate with one of your f**gots.…Like why would I bother?…Maybe you’re just acting like a n****r, mate? Have you considered that? Do you think white people act like this? White people are meant to be polite and respectful to one another, and you guys can’t even act like white people, it’s really amazing to me.”
, twitter 
, facebook 
, google 
, etc. It's ok to use some design elements that have been proven to work well, but I feel like this is going too far. If DA decides to adopt this new look, I think it will be the least recognizable, least individual, least deviant it has ever been in its history.
, watchers 
, etc. And while its background might not have been completely unique, it sure is more distinct than pure white or pure black. Now that's all gone and replaced with icons that were almost taken straight out of youtube and google, pretty much.
- "Most users use DeviantArt from mobile devices, and responsive design is just an extra layer of complexity that skin-makers don't often take into account. Skins often don't work well on mobile, and that leads to a bad experience for everyone.
- IMO, this one is most important: Journal Skins can't exist in a mobile app world. While the DeviantArt app needs an uplift itself, it gets a lot of usage. An app will never be able to support freeform HTML and CSS. No app is able to do this. Our current implementation loads Journals as a webpage in a new window, and it's a horrible implementation, but the only thing we can do with Journal Skins. This new editor is structured, no freeform HTML/CSS/classes, so it's built in a way that can extend natively to mobile."
